Struggling…

I’m still working on that post about baby loss I started. It went in a different direction than originally planned and I’m stuck.
It’s like my brain wants me to write it but doesn’t at the same time.
And since my brain is stuck on that particular post, I can’t write anything else.
*sigh*

We had a lovely weekend away with the kids, did a lot of stuff, got a pic with a hot rugby player after the game we went to on Saturday, had baby cuddles on Sunday at a friend’s house. Now back to real life.

I miss my kids already. I took them to their dad’s on Sunday night. Mr7 was being weird in the car and when I asked him what was wrong he said he was sad because he wanted to keep the nail polish on his nails (bright red — all the kids did their nails at our friend’s house on Sunday, except Miss11 because her school doesn’t allow nail polish) but he knew Dad would yell at him until he took it off and he wanted to keep it on as long as he could but then his friend Max would tease him at school.

I told him that next time he’s home for the weekend, we can do his nails after school on Friday and he can keep it on ALL weekend. I suggested i could buy purple (fave colour) but he said he likes that red.

*sigh*

Still pisses me off that a man who wears a PINK shirt to work (not salmon, actual pink) has an issue with his son liking purple and wanting to wear purple.

Taking Mr7 to ukulele tonight so the mum guilt can STFU and I’m doing it for him, so he doesn’t miss out on something he loves, NOT to help out his father who doesn’t care.

I have mum guilt.

 

On Sunday night after dinner I took my children to their dad’s house as he’s having them this week. It’s the new schedule we agreed on (long story I won’t get into).

I stood on the front porch and watched my kids hug their dad they hadn’t seen in a week and we all had a little chat before I got hugs from my babies and went home.

At one point the conversation went like this:

Ex: ‘Aidan, I have a meeting on Tuesday so I can’t take you to your ukulele lesson.’

Aidan, looking at his dad: ‘Maybe Mum could take me?’

Ex: ‘Well, honey, it may just be that when you’re with me and I have a meeting you have to miss out on ukulele.’

Aidan tried to say something else but he got shut down. At no point did the father of my children make eye contact with me. I said nothing, it wasn’t my conversation. I hugged my kids and left.

This morning, I dropped the girls at school and went to find Aidan for a cuddle (I had a bad dream last night, someone made him cry and I woke up needing to hug my little boy).

He asked me if I was taking him to ukulele. I said, ‘No, because dad didn’t ask me to, I’m sorry.’

Now I have guilt.

Mum guilt.

Yes, I want to do what is best for my child but I am done being a doormat for a man who still believes I need a caregiver.

Yes, it’s my child who is suffering in this situation but his father had the perfect opening to ask me to take Aidan to ukulele on Sunday night and he chose NOT to take it. All he had to do was ask and I would have said yes.

But he can’t do that. Because reasons I am not privy to and I won’t pretend to know.

All I know is that he didn’t ask me when he had a chance. He will probably suddenly think to ask when I go to school at 3pm to get the kids but that is way too late. Apparently I don’t deserve the same courtesy than other people.

Now Aidan is sad because he will be missing out on something he loves (just like last year he missed out on soccer practices because his father has a meeting on Tuesday after school and couldn’t be bothered trying to work something out) and I feel horrible.

But I am done offering when he should be asking.