Today is the day.

I was driving away from school after dropping the kids off this morning and I got a glimpse at ‘my’ mountain, Mt Taranaki. It looks a bit like this photo I found, but from a lot further away (we live about 2 hours away). I love seeing my mountain, it never fails to make me smile.

I sent my wife a text that said #mountaingasm and she replied #thanksChloé and I felt bad because I had forgotten.

Yes, after thinking about nothing else for weeks, I had forgotten today is my baby girl’s birthday.

I told Emma I’d forgotten and then she felt bad that she’d reminded me (which was NOT what I wanted).

Then the radio started playing ‘Gold Digger’ and I laughed and had to stop on the side of the road to ring my wife because it’s one of her favourite songs. She thought it was hilarious.

Oh and Toyota rang this morning (at 8.15am!) to tell me that it’s NOT the gearbox, so yay, not $1000 we don’t have! It’s a leak that will take about an hour to fix, and $100.

AND the father of my kids transferred $15 into my account to pay for Miss11’s netball outing, which allowed me to put $10 petrol in the car so I can get the kids from school this afternoon. It’s pay day tomorrow and I’ll get the $15 for Miss11 on the way to school in the morning.

At this point I feel the need to thank my dead child…

10429384_10152570953339490_212937189735260664_n

Mount Taranaki (disclaimer: I did not take this particular photo)

So it’s 9 years today since I lost my little girl and as usual it’s bittersweet. I’m expecting tears at some point today but it’s ok if the tears don’t come.

Happy heavenly birthday baby girl.

Mummy loves you.

Chloe

Chloé Isobel Rébecca

And just like that it’s August…

What’s so special about August? you ask.

Before I answer, I’d like to issue a baby loss trigger warning, right here.

As you probably already know if you’ve been following this blog for a while, or had a look around when you found my blog, I have experienced baby loss and I talk about it on occasion. If you don’t want to read about anything to do with that subject or the grief associated with it, this is where you just skip my post. I’ll even put a handy ‘Read More’ cut. Continue reading

It never really goes away.

I was checking one of the groups I’m a member of on Facebook, a group called “For The Love Of All Things Woolly”. It’s a NZ group for people who enjoy knitting and crocheting and stuff like that.

The poster was asking for patterns, she’s looking to make a baby blanket for her friend who is 17 weeks pregnant and has been told she might lose her baby.

So of course my brain went, “HEY!! REMEMBER WHAT NEXT MONTH IS?”

And now I’m trying not to cry…

It’s been 9 years this year and while I’m ok most of the time, it never really goes away, the grief, the sadness, the overwhelming urge to cry because you heard something or saw something or read something and suddenly it hits you like a ton of bricks again and you’re right there, in that room, with your dead baby…

I’m going to go sit and cuddle with my wife now.